Monday, July 22, 2013


I am that. very.

I love my job. I love my office. I love the feelings of accomplishment, trust and confidence I feel there. I love that I am valued. I love that it's been the source of steady income in our marriage. Somedays I call Brad on my way home and I've literally said "I ROCK AT MY JOB! I am awesome!"
I also love my family. My kids make me laugh, my husband is a comfort  and strength. I care about my home. I know they all love me. BUT I do all the bills, the organization, projects, and  most of the cleaning and parenting and child-rearing. It quickly becomes a lot. I rarely feel like I can put a stamp on my time being a mother with "I WAS AWESOME TODAY!" Potty-training alone can really put a damper on your self-worth as a mother- it's THE WORST.

I had a conversation with a friend and she said she got annoyed that her husband doesn't vacuum the edges when he vacuums the floor. I sat there thinking "When was the last time I EVER vacuumed the edges???" A year ago? Probably longer, let's be honest. And for half a second I felt a bit inferior, or less of a housewife. BUT then I remembered: I WORK. Who the hell has time to vacuum edges when 20 hours of the week (or more) is completely unavailable??? I'm lucky that I vacuum at all some weeks!! PLUS I work from home, so I am literally LIVING IN MY OFFICE. I am checking emails in between diaper changes, filling out forms when people are watching tv, taking/making phone calls when people are napping. If I haven't finished a project, it's not like I can leave the office & go home & say "well, we can finish tomorrow, nothing more I can do today!" I can't ever say that. Every moment I sit and snuggle with Brad watching Doctor Who after kids are in bed has subconcious guilt that THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I SHOULD BE DOING.
It is awful somedays. With one kid, working from home was easy, manageable, fun, the best of both worlds! It was the answer to prayers and the best decision ever.
But with two kids came not only two kids, but also a job description change. More hours, more responsibility, more stress. My office workload and my home workload both doubled at the same time. I'm surprised I haven't had a breadkdown. Seriously. Instead I hide from my feelings, I yell at my kids at the end of a long day of the baby crying non-stop, I miss out on all beach days, park play dates, and just stopped getting invited to anything bc I can never go.
I have very few friends who are moms and work. And when I see those friends, I feel like I have to cling on for dear life. They understand. They know what it's like!!! The problem is I never see any of those friends... well bc we BOTH WORK. sigh.
I guess I'm just venting. Not sure what the point of this post was to begin with.
I am just overwhelmed. No matter what I do something I getting neglected. I either play with my kids and take care of my home responsibilites to the best of my ability and my work falls behind; or I get a ton of work done and live in a disaster area where the dishes get done once a week and my kids get neglected. No matter what I do, I ALWAYS LOSE.
And it's getting old. I thought that in a few months all the changes would kind of settle in and it would get more manageable, but it hasn't. Can anyone shed some light on how to better manage time, responsibilites, guilt??

1 comment:

Shauna said...

Hey there. I am going to email you. Just fyi.. but for now, I love you and am thinking of you. Are you saying, "how can you love me, you don't know me?" I have a lot of love to offer and I've gotten to know you over your blog. It's enough right? Right. Like I said, thinking of you and talk to you soon, over email. Love,

Shauna xoxo