Monday, July 22, 2013


I am that. very.

I love my job. I love my office. I love the feelings of accomplishment, trust and confidence I feel there. I love that I am valued. I love that it's been the source of steady income in our marriage. Somedays I call Brad on my way home and I've literally said "I ROCK AT MY JOB! I am awesome!"
I also love my family. My kids make me laugh, my husband is a comfort  and strength. I care about my home. I know they all love me. BUT I do all the bills, the organization, projects, and  most of the cleaning and parenting and child-rearing. It quickly becomes a lot. I rarely feel like I can put a stamp on my time being a mother with "I WAS AWESOME TODAY!" Potty-training alone can really put a damper on your self-worth as a mother- it's THE WORST.

I had a conversation with a friend and she said she got annoyed that her husband doesn't vacuum the edges when he vacuums the floor. I sat there thinking "When was the last time I EVER vacuumed the edges???" A year ago? Probably longer, let's be honest. And for half a second I felt a bit inferior, or less of a housewife. BUT then I remembered: I WORK. Who the hell has time to vacuum edges when 20 hours of the week (or more) is completely unavailable??? I'm lucky that I vacuum at all some weeks!! PLUS I work from home, so I am literally LIVING IN MY OFFICE. I am checking emails in between diaper changes, filling out forms when people are watching tv, taking/making phone calls when people are napping. If I haven't finished a project, it's not like I can leave the office & go home & say "well, we can finish tomorrow, nothing more I can do today!" I can't ever say that. Every moment I sit and snuggle with Brad watching Doctor Who after kids are in bed has subconcious guilt that THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I SHOULD BE DOING.
It is awful somedays. With one kid, working from home was easy, manageable, fun, the best of both worlds! It was the answer to prayers and the best decision ever.
But with two kids came not only two kids, but also a job description change. More hours, more responsibility, more stress. My office workload and my home workload both doubled at the same time. I'm surprised I haven't had a breadkdown. Seriously. Instead I hide from my feelings, I yell at my kids at the end of a long day of the baby crying non-stop, I miss out on all beach days, park play dates, and just stopped getting invited to anything bc I can never go.
I have very few friends who are moms and work. And when I see those friends, I feel like I have to cling on for dear life. They understand. They know what it's like!!! The problem is I never see any of those friends... well bc we BOTH WORK. sigh.
I guess I'm just venting. Not sure what the point of this post was to begin with.
I am just overwhelmed. No matter what I do something I getting neglected. I either play with my kids and take care of my home responsibilites to the best of my ability and my work falls behind; or I get a ton of work done and live in a disaster area where the dishes get done once a week and my kids get neglected. No matter what I do, I ALWAYS LOSE.
And it's getting old. I thought that in a few months all the changes would kind of settle in and it would get more manageable, but it hasn't. Can anyone shed some light on how to better manage time, responsibilites, guilt??

Liebster award

I actually have no idea what a liebster award is, but i like shawna, and she gave me one, so i'll answer her questions :) better late than never!
1. Do you love where you live?  Why or why not?
YES. i love HB. i love the weather, i love the city, i love our church, i love the beach, i love the community, i live 4th of July, i love that it's our home.
2. If you could change your name what would you choose? You can't say you'd keep your existing name-c'mon!
my whole childhood i wanted to be named rachel. no idea why, just always did. even in spanish class when you have to pick a new name i picked raquel. luckily i have a darling niece named rachel!
3. Do you have a New Years Resolution that you are working on or goal you made at the beginning of 2013 and what is it?
 yes. a few. brad & i made a goal to go on 2 dates a month, at which we have been fairly successful (except for january- if you count a night together in a hospital with a newborn as a date)
4. Who is the funniest person you know? oh man, there are a few. my friend vanessa & her husband jared are hilarious, also i feel like sara is always making me laugh. i can't think of anyone else. i should probably say brad, but then i would be lying ;)
5. What is your favorite restaurant? athen's west. i could live on their greek salad. in fact, whilst pregnant with jimmy i ate there at least once a week...sometimes more. if i can add my two cents to the celestial food court- we def need athens west.
6. If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?  that i could be more happy with it. 
7. If you could change one thing about our country in an instant what would it be? that we would be solvent. that people would realize that in order to help people the MOST, to have great healthcare, roads, schools, money should be spent responsibly. if there is no money, the problems cannot be solved. 
8. What is your favorite hairstyle?  my hair is short, straight, thin & fine. i have few options... i did like it when it was really short and red/brown in high school, that was fun!
9. If you could do service all day long what would you choose to do? i would tutor kids in math. sounds silly, but i miss teaching. or mentoring teenagers. i love teenagers. i probably won't love mine too much when they get there, but i loved teaching and spending time in young women. 
10.  What is your favorite store to shop at? target. hands down. i could spend hours in there. and i have. 
11. What do you love about yourself?  I work hard and have solid, honest, work ethic (thanks, dad!)