I love my job. I love my office. I love the feelings of accomplishment, trust and confidence I feel there. I love that I am valued. I love that it's been the source of steady income in our marriage. Somedays I call Brad on my way home and I've literally said "I ROCK AT MY JOB! I am awesome!"
I also love my family. My kids make me laugh, my husband is a comfort and strength. I care about my home. I know they all love me. BUT I do all the bills, the organization, projects, and most of the cleaning and parenting and child-rearing. It quickly becomes a lot. I rarely feel like I can put a stamp on my time being a mother with "I WAS AWESOME TODAY!" Potty-training alone can really put a damper on your self-worth as a mother- it's THE WORST.
I had a conversation with a friend and she said she got annoyed that her husband doesn't vacuum the edges when he vacuums the floor. I sat there thinking "When was the last time I EVER vacuumed the edges???" A year ago? Probably longer, let's be honest. And for half a second I felt a bit inferior, or less of a housewife. BUT then I remembered: I WORK. Who the hell has time to vacuum edges when 20 hours of the week (or more) is completely unavailable??? I'm lucky that I vacuum at all some weeks!! PLUS I work from home, so I am literally LIVING IN MY OFFICE. I am checking emails in between diaper changes, filling out forms when people are watching tv, taking/making phone calls when people are napping. If I haven't finished a project, it's not like I can leave the office & go home & say "well, we can finish tomorrow, nothing more I can do today!" I can't ever say that. Every moment I sit and snuggle with Brad watching Doctor Who after kids are in bed has subconcious guilt that THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I SHOULD BE DOING.